The delicate balance between parental guidance and personal opinion can be a bit challenging. The scenario of a parent advising their child’s partner to end the relationship, while well-intentioned, can easily unravel into a situation filled with tension and hurt feelings. In the following story, we delve into the layers of this delicate parental intervention, exploring its potential impacts on family relationships.
She told her side of the story.
My son (M20) has been in a relationship with his girlfriend, Lily (F20), for about three years now.
I love my son and I hate to say this, but he’s not turned out to be a good person. He has very little work ethic, has no desire to get a job or go to college, and spends most of his time gaming or partying. Lily, on the other hand, is the polar opposite. She’s very studious, has aspirations to be a doctor, is a very good swimmer, and is currently away at college.
When my son and Lily first got together in high school, they were an excellent match. We loved having Lily over and my son definitely took more care of himself. Since then, it’s rapidly deteriorated. I know my son still loves Lily, but he never gives her the attention she deserves and with her clear potential, I just feel she deserves better.
When Lily came to visit a few days ago, she was visibly upset. When my son went to the store, I asked her if she was okay, and she told me that she didn’t know what to do and wondered why my son had such little ambition and was so lazy. I told her I didn’t see it changing anytime soon (as that’s my view given it’s been ongoing for almost two years); when she asked what I would do in her situation, I told her to put herself first and what she wanted. Lily thanked me and said she’d think about things.
Well earlier today, my son came downstairs in a rage telling me that Lily had broken up with him via text. I asked him what she said and apparently, the message referred to «discussions with your mom» that had made her rethink the relationship. My son was livid that I’d gotten involved and said I’d overstepped boundaries. I told him that I didn’t advise Lily to leave him, just said she had to make her own choices and decide what was best for her.
My son is now not talking to me and my husband is annoyed believing that having no Lily will make my son’s rut last even longer. I also miss having Lily around.
So, was I wrong?
Some people agreed with her action.
- «You didn’t tell her to end the relationship, you told her to consider her needs. Your son certainly wasn’t. Tell your husband it isn’t up to Lily to get your son out of his rut, and maybe he needs to spend more time together, teaching him how to be a good man and not a mooch. Let your son be angry, he will do one of two things stay angry or get off his butt and start pulling his own weight.» many_hobbies_gal / Reddit
- «Maybe this will be the kick in the arse he needs to sort himself and win her back (unlikely as this isn’t a rom-com, but never say never).» Elivercury / Reddit
- «If your son still has health insurance benefits, require him to go to two appointments. 1. Medical doctor for a thorough checkup. 2. Mental health professional for evaluation and enough therapy sessions to understand where he is at. ’Lazy’ can mean lots of things. Also, come up with a plan with your spouse to require your son to make progress.» JustAGal_Love / Reddit
Your husband is an enabler. You were right to give her advice, and I'm glad she broke up with him. If you really want to help him, try tough love & toss him out. Make him get a job and stay away from the video games.
- «You saved that girl from years of dragging a man through life and begging him to be an equally yoked partner. He is still young, so perhaps he will blossom and grow into a responsible adult with goals and dreams. But for now, they are on different paths and goals for life.» rugdg13 / Reddit
- «Tell your husband that Lily is not a trained professional to fix your son, and what is he even thinking trying to put that responsibility on a young girl? Maybe he should be a good father and lead by example instead of expecting that from someone else.» Lady_Vader_ / Reddit
- «Chances are the girlfriend would have broken up with him anyway eventually and any protests on your part would have just delayed the inevitable. You did the right thing by supporting her as a person and not sacrificing her in the name of your son’s ’well-being’.» dta_phx / Reddit
Others didn’t agree with what she did.
- «I’m reading all these comments, and it’s honestly a real kick in the teeth. I currently identify with the son, I’ve finished university, and now I’m back at home with absolutely nowhere to turn to. I’m looking for a job but nowhere seems to accept me. My ex broke up with me for a similar reason, he didn’t feel like he was in a proper partnership. And now from all these comments I feel like I’m a waste of space.» Ladybird1412 / Reddit
- «Having no work ethic or ambition does not make him a bad person. Most likely he is depressed, maybe even neurodivergent. Have you considered maybe being more encouraging instead of acting like he is beyond repair?» doflamingoenjoyer1 / Reddit
- «Your son is allowed to be mad. Maybe you didn’t tell her to break up with him, and maybe she would have gotten there on her own, but she still cited your conversation as a factor. So from your son’s POV, you did cross boundaries. You were meddling in his love life. The way you talk up Lily and down your son just feels wrong to me as a parent. You sound like you want Lily as a daughter instead of your son.» FantasyGeek87 / Reddit
In the tumultuous life of family dynamics, conflicts from well-meaning advice can serve as important moments for growth and understanding. As parents, it’s essential to recognize the boundaries between guidance and interference, acknowledging the autonomy of our children in matters of the heart. Navigating such delicate situations requires a balance of wisdom, empathy, and unconditional love, guiding us toward resolutions that strengthen family bonds and nurture mutual respect.
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